Compiled by Bob Schroeck, Modified by Others

Agnosticism – What is this shit?

Agnosticism – May be shit but, then again, maybe not.

Altruism – Want some shit?

Altruism – Let me give you my shit.

Americanism – Who gives a shit?

Amish – Shit doth occur.

Anal Retentivism – Keep your shit to yourself.

Anglicanism – Our shit doesn’t stink.

Apathism – I don’t give a shit.

Archimedesmism – If I had a lever that’s long enough, 
  and a place to stand, 
  I can move the earth — even if it is full of shit.

Aristotlism – Once shit is stretched by an idea, 
  it never again happens in its original shape.

Aristotlism – Shit is real

Neil Armstrong – One small shit for me, one giant heap for mankind.

Asatru – If shit happens, blame it on Loki.

Atheism – I don’t believe this shit.

Atheism – There is no shit.

Ba’Hai – All shit is truly shit.

Baptist – You are shitting wrong, therefore you’ll be punished.

Baptist Fundamentalism – Shit happens because the Bible says so.

Bowdlerism – **** happens.

Branch Davidianism – Shit burns.

Breathairians – We don’t have to eat that shit.

Buddhism – Shit happens.

Buddhism – If shit happens, it really isn’t shit.

Bushism – What shit?

Bushism – Read my lips, no new shit.

Calvinism – Man is nothing but shit.

Calvin-and-Hobbesism – Man, this shit is fun.

Caninism – Shit happens in the neighbor’s yard.

Capitalism – Do you buy this shit?

Capitalism – How much will this shit cost?

Capitalism – Shit happens, and it’ll cost you!

Carmensandiegism – Where in the world is that shit happening?

Cartesianism – I shit, therefore I am.

Catholicism – If shit happens, you deserved it.

Catholicism – Everybody gets shit.

Chauvanism – We may be shit, but you can’t live without us.

Chestertonianism – Shit is the farthest thing from shit.

Christian Fundamentalism – Hell is where everyone must mind their own shit.

Clintonism – I didn’t inhale the shit!

Commercialism – Let’s package this shit.

Communism – It’s everybody’s shit.

Communism – Everyone’s shit is everyone else’s shit.

Computerism – Why won’t this shit work?

Confucianism – Confucius say, “Shit happens.”

Constipation – My shit just won’t happen.

Contract Theory – If we don’t agree to form society, everything will go to shit.

Creation Science – God created all the shit that happens.

Creation Science – Shit happens all at once.

Creation Science – …And the Lord said “Let there be shit”…

Dadaism – Blue shit rumage Idaho potato.

Dadism – Your mom knows her shit.

Daffy Duckism – It’s *my* shit! Down, down! Go, go! Miiiiine!

Darwinism – We came up from shit.

Deja Vu – I think this shit happened before, but I’m not sure.

Descartes – I shit therefore I am.

Dianetics – Even shit can make money.

Dianetics – Shit your way to a better life.

Discordianism – This MIGHT be shit, but is instead a fuzzy 1973 Mustang.

Dominicans – Believe in shit, or we’ll boil you in it.

Donism – I’m gonna’ make ya’ a shit you can’t refuse.

Dyslexianism – Hits shapnep.

Egoism – I AM the shit!

Egotism – My shit is the only shit that matters.

Empiricism – Shit only happens if I see it happen.

Employerism – This shit is your fault.

Energizer Rabbit – Shit happens… and happens… and happens…

Environmentalism – Recycle this shit.

Environmentalism – Shit happens, but it’s biodegradable.

Euphemism – Caca happens.

Evangelism – You need our shit.

Evangelicalism – I can heal people — but oooonly with the help of yourrrrr shit.

Evangelicalism – God has a wonderful plan for your shit.

Evolution – Shit happens gradually.

Evolution – This shit gets better all the time!

Existentialism – Shit doesn’t happen; it just is.

Existentialism, General – Your shit is what you make of it.

Existentialism, Sartre – We are defined by our shit happening.

Felinism – Shit happens… bury it.

Feminism – Men are shit.

Finagle’s Third Law – 
  The happening of shit tends to a maximum.

The Force – Don’t be swayed by the Dark Side of the shit.

Freudianism – Shit happens as a result of repressed sexual urges.

Frisbeetarianism – Shit happens under cars, just out of reach.

Garbagism – I dump your shit.

Geocentrism – Our shit is the center of the cosmos!

Green Peaceism – Save this Shit.

GURPSism – Our shit can happen in any conceivable place or time.

Guruism – The master’s shit does not stink. 
Hare Krishnaism – Shit happens shit happens shit happens rama rama.

Hedonism (1) – shit; let’s party!

Hedonism (2) – This shit is fun!

Heisenbergism – Shit happened, we just don’t know where.

Hinduism (1) – This shit happened before.

Hinduism (2) – This shit is not a religion. It is a Way of Life.

Hippyism – Make peace with shit.

Hitchhikerism – The answer to all this shit is 42.

Idealism – That shit’s all in your mind.

Illuminism – We make shit happen.

Interrigationism – ‘Ve have ‘vays of making you shit!

Islam – If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

Islam – If shit happens, take a hostage.

Islam, Shi’ite – When Shi’ite happens, kill Salman Rushdie.

Islam, Sunni – Why do Shi’ites always happen to us?

Jehovah’s Witnesses (1) – No shit happens until Armageddon.

Jehovah’s Witnesses (2) – Let me in your house and I’ll tell you why shit happens.

Jehovah’s Witnesses (3) – Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.

Jehovah’s Winesses – Knock, Knock, Shit Happens.

Judaism – Why does this shit always happen to us?

Judaism, Reformed – Got any Kaopectate?

Jungianism – Shit that happens is an aspect of the 
  archetypical shit generated consensually by the mass subconscious.

Kennedyism – Ask not what your country’s shit can do for you, 
  but what your shit can do for your country. 
Kierkegaard – This shit is highly improbable; therefore, we should believe it happens.

Kinisonism – Ooh-shit happens! Oo-ooooooooooo!

Thomas Kuhn – Shit always happens exactly the way you expect it to.

Libertarianism – Keep your hands off of my shit.

Logical Positivism – Shit = S+H+I+T.

Lutheranism – Catholicism is shit.

Marie Antoinette’ism – If they can’t afford bread, why don’t they get shit instead.

Marines – It’s not just shit, it’s an adventure.

Marvin – Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and I can’t even shit.

Marxism, Classical – The workers take all the shit, but they’re gonna dish it back out again.

Materialism – Whoever dies with the most shit wins.

Mathematicism – Necessary and sufficient conditions for shit to occur are: 
  1) Shit must exist and be continuous in a domain D 
  2) No shit must exceed SHIT on the boundary of D.

McCarthyism – Are you now, or have you ever been, a shit?

Josh McDowell-ism (1) – Anyone who investigates the evidence for this shit 
  and doesn’t see the truth as plain as day is a nincompoop.

Josh McDowell-ism (2) – Anyone who investigates the evidence for this shit 
  and doesn’t agree with me must want to have sexual intercourse outside of marriage.

Mennonite – None of this modern shit now.

Momism – You’ll eat this shit and like it!

Moonies – Only happy shit really happens.

Mormonism (1) – Your shit is shit, but our shit is the ONE TRUE shit.

Mormonism (2) – God sent us this shit.

Murphism – Shit always happens at the worst possible time and place.

Narcissism  – My shit don’t stink.

Native American – This shit is sacred when it happens.

New Age (1) – Why did I happen to create this shit?

New Age (2) – This isn’t shit if I REALLY believe it’s chocolate.

Newton’s First Law – Shit that is happening tends to keep happening.

Newton’s Second Law – You have to push to make shit happen.

Newton’s Third Law – Every shit that happens has an equal and opposite shit happening.

Neitzscheism (1) – If you’re not Ubermenschen, you’re not shit.

Neitzscheism (2) – A man without a shit is not a man.

Neitzscheism (3) – Shit is dead!

Nihilism – Everything is shit.

NIMBYism – Your shit’s not gonna happen here.

Nixonism (1) – Shit didn’t happen, and if it did, I don’t know anything about it.

Nixonism (2) – I am not a shit.

Nonsequiturism – Route 176 goes south.

Oat Branism – Your shit will keep happening.

Objectivism – Shit=Shit

Occultism – We eat our shit.

Optimism (1) – That shit won’t happen to me.

Optimism (2) – This shit, too, will pass.

Paganism (1) – Shit happens. Accept it.

Paganism (2) – Shit is a part of nature and makes things grow.

Panglossism – This is the best of all possible shits.

Paranoia – Shit happens because it’s a plot.

Pee-Weeism – You can’t arrest me for that shit!

Perotism – We’re in deep shit.

Pessimism – That shit is going to happen.

Platonism – There is an ideal shit, of which all the shit that happens is but an imperfect image.

Politically Correctism (1) – It’s not shit, it’s “Nutritionally-Deprived Output.”

Positive thinking – Shit is what you make it.

Pragmaticism – It may be shit, but it works.

Protestantism – Let shit happen to someone else.

Psychology – I can help you deal with the shit that is happening.

PTL Club – Send us your shit.

Quayleism – Shite happense.

Rastafarian (1) – Shit happens, but if it’s all right with Jah, it’s all right with me.

Rastafarian (2) – Let’s roll that shit up and smoke it.

Reaganism – I don’t recall if shit happened.

Reaganism, Nancy – Just say, `Shit happens.’

Republicanism – We earned our shit.

Robinism – Holy shit, Batman!

Rousseau – Only natural shit is worth shit.

Schroedingerism – Shit does not happen until you smell it.

Scooperism – If your shit happens here, you gotta pick it up.

Secular Humanism – Shit happens, but there’s a rational explanation.

Seventh Day Adventist – Shit happens on Saturday.

Shakespeare – To shit or not to shit, that is the question.

Sherlock Holmes – I know where this shit came from.

Shinto – Shit is everywhere. So as long as you’re stepping in it, show it some respect.

Skinnerism – If eat then shit.

Socrates – I am shit. But I know I am shit.

Solipsism (1) – All this shit is a creation of my imagination.

Solipsism (2) – The only thing I can be sure of is that my shit happens.

Spockism – The shit of the many smells as bas as the shit of the one.

Dr. Spockism – Encourage your child to make shit happen with their pants down

Spoonerism – Hit shappens.

Stalinism – The state treats you like shit.

Stoicism (1) – This shit is good for me.

Stoicism (2) – Shit happens — deal with it.

Sturgeon’s Law – 90% of everything is shit.

Subgenius – Shit happens — SO WHAT? GIVE ME SOME SLACK!

Surrealism – Shit is shiny and shaped like a Buick.

Taoism – The shit that happens is not the true shit.

Televangelism – Your tax-deductible donation could stop this shit from happening.

Thermodynamics: First Law – The shit that happens cannot be created or destroyed.

Thermodynamics: Second Law – When shit happens, 
  it happens from a place of more shit to a place of less shit.

Thermodynamics: Third Law – Disorder is the inevitable result of shit happening.

Totalitarianism – Shit doesn’t happen unless we say so.

Trekkism, The Original Series – To boldly go find new shit.

Trekkism, The Motion Picture(s) – This shit is happening again.

Trekkism, The Next Generation – This shit happens again every week.

Trekkism, Deep Space 9 – Shit happens on the other side of the wormhole.

Trekkism, Voyager – Shit happens on the other side of the galaxy.

Twelve-Step Programs – God, grant me the serenity to deal with this shit.

Unitarianism – There’s only one shit, but you can have it happen any way you want.

Unix – Shit Happened. Core dumped.

Ursism – Shit happens in the woods.

Utilitarianism – Do that which generates the greatest shit for the greatest number.

Utilitarianism – Let’s make the best of this shit.

Vacuum – That shit sucks

Vandalism – I’m gonna wreck this shit!

VMS – Want to make shit happen? No Privilege for Attempted Operation.

Voodooism – Shit doesn’t just happen — somebody dumped it on you.

Voyeurism – Look at that shit happening.

Waldoism – Where *is* that little shit?

Xeno’s paradox – It’s logically impossible for shit to happen.

Yuppieism – It’s my shit! All mine!

Zen – What is the sound of one shit happening? PU!

Zoroastrianism – Shit happens half the time.

And finally, the Argument From Shit: 
  1. If God were omnibenevolent, he wouldn’t want shit to happen.
  2. If God were omnipotent, he would be able to prevent shit from happening.
  3. Shit Happens.
  4. Therefore, God is not both omnibenevolent and omnipotent.